Today, I hit a goal that I set for myself at the beginning of the year. I did 1,000,000 steps on the StairMaster. It took 7,242 minutes, 120 hours, or 5 full days depending on which unit measurement you want to use. During this time I burned 132,776 calories or 38 pounds (I didn’t lose 38 lbs, I eat too much candy). I would wake up 4-5 times a week at 4:15 am to workout before work to lift and do the StairMaster inching closer and closer to that one million mark. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, I would just play ABSOLUTE BANGERS music for 30-60 min, and scroll aimlessly on my phone while I climbed. I actually never even made eye contact with anyone during my workouts because growing up my mom taught me it was rude to stair.

A few people have asked me what’s next now that I crossed the 1,000,000* step milestone. Am I going to continue this kinship that I forged with the StairMaster just 322 short days ago? FUCK NO. Sure, I became a Stair Master, but at what cost? Do you think I liked going on that miniature down escalator 200 times a year?? It was awful! I take the elevator any chance I get now. If you see me taking the elevator to go up one floor just remember that it costs $0 to worry about yourself. Secondly, do you realize how early 4:30 in the morning is!? What am I like a fucking farmer? There is no good reason for anyone to be up that early. The only thing I’d rather be doing at 4:30 am is sleeping. I go to bed at 9 pm, right after I eat my hard candy and watch Wheel of Fortune. Oh, and worst of all once your body gets used to waking up at 4:15 every day it lingers on into the weekends. If I go out and get home at 2 am, I guarantee you I’ll wake up at 5 without fail.

Here’s another point about this that I should make, mainly women use the StairMaster. Don’t get me wrong, the stair master is more intense than anything you can do at the gym, and there are certainly more men regularly on it than at the beginning of the year, but the point here is that these women are probably disgusted with me. I could be next to a cute girl on the StairMaster next to me and I’m over here smelling like a wet sock, not that the gym is a good place to meet girls at 4:30 anytime (seriously, do not try to hit on women at the gym), but the point stands.

The StairMaster has a ton of benefits. It is way better on your knees than a treadmill, you burn way more calories in the amount of time spent on any other machine, and it’s great for your buns and thighs! Seriously, my butt looks like it was carved from marble by the hand of an angel, and that’s not a humble brag, that’s a fact. But 1,000,000* steps is a lot and it’s one thing to be healthy, it’s another thing to completely hate yourself.

Take it from me, don’t achieve your goals.

* I can easily just write out ‘one million’ instead of typing out the entire number but it’s a flex.