My dad is old as shit. The man is 61 years old. SIXTY ONE! The poor bastard grew up with black and white television, the word “gluten” wouldn’t exist for another 50 years, and everyone at this time was wearing suits and ripping cigs. It was truly simpler times, but also sounds fucking terrible. Imagine not having internet, imagine growing up fearing polio. Absolute insanity.

My dad’s been around the block, he worked various jobs and careers over 45 years (absolutely disgusting to think about). He worked 3 jobs to provide my family with the best possible life. I’ll forever be in his debt and gratitude for all the sacrifices he made for us. But as I mentioned earlier, the man is old, he was burnt out and was sick of working. So he decided that the moment my sister’s last college tuition check cleared, he was going to retire. Sure enough, on January 2nd, he was done working. He was finished. He hated winter, and since Chicago has those, for the past 2 months, he and my dog have been in Arizona. I started a new job in January so unfortunately, I didn’t get the chance to visit. My dad is a humble man, but he loves to brag, so the past two months he has been posting nonstop about his escapades in the desert state on Facebook. I figured we would take this journey together and take a deep look at my dad enjoying his countdown to death retirement.

My dad met Malcolm in the Middle star, Frankie Muniz, on his very first day in Arizona. This immediately sets the tone for the rest of the trip. Even if the other 59 days were a bust, he will always have this. According to my sources (my dad), they talked about why he decided to step away from acting. Frankie Muniz is a lot of things, however, he is not a Big Fat Liar, so when he told my father that he retired from acting because the people in Hollywood are “parasites,” I have no choice but to believe him. I also learned that he lives in Arizona now because his fiancé runs an olive oil store. That sounds kinda lame but I like to think that it’s all a front and Agent Cody Banks is actually undercover investigating Popeye. (not a lot of people will get this joke but I am proud of it regardless).

Five days after chopping it up with Mr. Muniz, my dad decides to see all the sights Arizona has to offer. The man on the right is my dad’s life partner friend, we will call him Mr. C (thank god my dad will never read this because he’d kill me if he saw this). This is one of my favorite photos from his trip. Everything about it is fantastic: the cowboy hat, the way my dad holds Luigi, the random fat guy behind them. Why did my dad decide to go exploring the beautiful canyons of Arizona in a Ricky Henderson jersey? I don’t have the answer to that question, but either way, it is perfect. I don’t find this picture funny, I find it hill areas.

On February 26th, 1994, the “happiest moment” of my parents’ lives occurred; they became a mother and a father for the first time. This was my birthday, and to them, it was as much a celebration for them as it was for me. Since my dad was in Arizona and my sister was at school, I figured for my 25th birthday my mom and I would spend the day together, go to a nice dinner, and just reminisce on the past quarter of a century. 25 years ago my mother and I couldn’t be closer… We literally could not have been closer. Now? She tells me she planned on spending MY birthday in Arizona, visiting my dad. Just a brutal move by my mom, and as I blog this 2 months after the fact, I’m still not ovary-t.

After my mom’s betrayal visit, my dad had his long time friend Joe visit him for 10 days. My dad posted a lot on Facebook about his time in Arizona, these were the most harrowing pictures he decided to share with the world.

The tank tops, the empty pool, the tiny margaritas… Watch your back traitor Mom!

As my dad’s trip comes to an end, he called on his trusty friend Mr. C to help him drive back. During this time, my dad’s Facebook posts have gotten out of control. My mom told him that he needs to stop posting because it has gotten excessive. He was livid, how is he supposed to show all 600 Facebook friends how much better his life is than theirs? But my dad is a smart man, he knew there was a workaround. He would post the day’s activities from his great friend Mr. C’s Facebook account and then tag himself. Truly a man ahead of the times. Had to end the trip on a high note with these bangers of a post.

He’ll never see it, but I’m genuinely curious about what my dad’s reaction to this blog would be. On one hand, he’d probably be pissed that I called him “old as shit” numerous times, and making fun of the pictures he posted. But on the other hand, he’d probably be ecstatic about all the people that learned about his two months away from home.

Welcome home dad, thanks for making sure Luigi didn’t get eaten by coyotes.

Bonus: Here is my dad and my uncles attempting to use the gif maker at the Cubs Spring Training Stadium.