Happy Monday folks. Another Music Monday is here.
Each Music Monday will be formatted as followed: an overview/my opinion on their said career, followed by the ranking of their top 5 songs. No artist is without flaws, their worst three songs will also be judged and ripped to shreds.
As a reminder, this is not going to be a series where I list no-name songs off an artist’s shitty second album that’ll you’ll hear occasionally in an urban coffee shop. We only grade hits here. I’m not looking for songs that have the best underlying message. I’m not looking for songs that represent the artist’s struggle and triumph over something shitty that happened to them. I don’t care about any of that. We are only ranking the cream of the crop, the pinnacle of an artist’s success. Before you ask, I will not be ranking Beyonce’s songs, as I do not want to tarnish my blog with overrated garbage. If you have a problem with that, or my rankings, and want to make your criticisms known, you can email all of your concerns to VinnieWontCheckThis@gmail.com. Prior versions of this series can be found here.
So with that, let’s get started.
Robyn Rihanna Fenty, born on February 20, 1988, in St. Michael, Barbados to Monica and Ronald Fenty.
My musical mother hen is the subject of this week’s rankings. What I mean by that is Rihanna is the artist that made me a man. I was 11 years old when she released Pon De Replay (forever a bop). Like most, I enjoyed it a lot and didn’t want to wait to only hear it on the radio. So I wanted to get the song on my MP3 player. However, as much as I liked it, I did not like it for 99 cents. I was a bad boy, I used LimeWire to download my music… illegally. I used LimeWire to download countless amounts of music, this song was to be no different. I downloaded a file that was titled “Pon De Replay.” However, this file was not Pon De Replay… it was porn. It was the first time I was exposed to such a thing. So Rihanna and I got off to a rocky start, but it’s been smooth sailing since.
Rihanna is special, but we all knew that. She didn’t have a slow rise to the top, her career started on top. She had four top 10 hits before she can buy a pack of cigarettes. Her first two albums made Rihanna was a pretty big deal, however, when she released Good Girl Gone Bad, she left the stratosphere. She has been untouchable since. This girl is 31 and is already the 7th highest selling artist of all time. (If you care, she trails The garbage Beatles, Elvis, Michael Jackson, Madonna, Elton John, and Led Zeppelin). Her accolades speak for themselves: nine Grammy Awards, 13 American Music Awards, 12 Billboard Music Awards, and six Guinness World Records. She has countless hits but we need to talk about her top 5.
5. Only Girl (in the World): This era of Rihanna was so much fun. I originally had this spot on this list slotted for another song off this album, “S&M Remix (ft. the REAL Queen B, Britney Spears)” and while I can write for hours talking about the impact that remix had on my life, I just couldn’t in good faith put it over this masterpiece. (This should prove to you that I’m ranking these songs fairly and without bias… not having a song with Rihanna and Britney crack MY top 5?!?! I’m giving myself a pat on the back for being such a fair judge.)
4. S.O.S. The moment this song was released was the moment that turned Rihanna from a promising young talent to a star. This song is a timeless bop. It was her first of FOURTEEN number 1 hits. Think about how amazing a song to be that she used the wrong form of “you’re” when she spelled out “y-o-u-r making this hard” and everyone just let her.
3 (tie). We Found Love (with Calvin Harris) AND Umbrella: I already know what you’re going to say. “YoU CaN’t Do TiEs.” Well, you know what this is my blog and my weekly music series so shut the fuck up. I’ll do what I want. My logic for placing these songs in a tie on this list is that they are both considered Rihanna’s signature song. I can’t leave either one off. I can’t include one without the other, but the problem with Rihanna is that she has SO MANY HITS. I can’t separate them, both are hits than transcended pop music.
2. Don’t Stop the Music: Rihrih was very ahead of the times with this absolute BANGER of a track. This song was a club banger before club bangers were a thing. I go back and forth with the number one song on this list a lot. The deciding factor was she has disobeyed the underlying message of this song, we haven’t gotten a new Rihanna album in 3 years.
1. Disturbia: Rihanna has reinvented herself so many times that I remember when this song was considered really “edgy” for her. She went from Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum to “fuck me with a shovel and leave my body on the side of the highway.”
Rihanna is a hit machine, so many good songs left off this list. I’m not gonna go through them because no joke she has close to 50. Nobody bats 100% and as hard as it was to think of her 5 best songs, it was actually pretty easy to pick the worst 3 singles.
Worst
3. Cheers (Drink to That): This song isn’t bad but when you compare it to Pour it Up (which slaps) this one pales in comparison. This song is like the Kidz Bop version of that song.
2. Bitch Better Have My Money: This might be the most surprising one on the list, but I really can’t explain why I don’t like it. It’s a bad look but again, my opinion reigns supreme.
1. You Da One: This song stinks. The worst part about making this blog that includes an artist’s worst songs is that I have to acknowledge that Rihanna wasted her talents making this sad excuse for a track.
I think what has made Rihanna so successful is her ability to constantly change her image and sound to keep herself fresh. She’s a chameleon. She can do dance songs (We Found Love, Where Have You Been, Don’t Stop the Music), she can do reggae (Work, Rude Boy, What’s My Name), she can do rap/trap (Needed Me, Pour it up, Bitch Better Have my Money), AND she can do ballads (Diamonds, Stay, Love on the Brain).
LegendaRIH
Vin'sane Thoughts 