Each Music Monday will be formatted as followed: an overview/ my opinion on their said career, followed by the ranking of their top 5 songs. No artist is without flaws, their worst three songs will also be judged and ripped to shreds.
As a reminder, this is not going to be a series where I list no-name songs off an artist’s shitty second album that’ll you’ll hear occasionally in an urban coffee shop. We only grade hits here. I’m not looking for songs that have the best underlying message. I’m not looking for songs that represent the artist’s struggle and triumph over something shitty that happened to them. I don’t care about any of that. We are only ranking the cream of the crop, the pinnacle of an artist’s success. Before you ask, I will not be ranking The Beatles’ songs, as I do not want to tarnish my blog with overrated garbage. If you have a problem with that, or my rankings, and want to make your criticisms known, you can email all of your concerns to VinnieWontCheckThis@gmail.com. Prior versions of this series can be found here.
So with that, let’s get started
Christmas music comprises a variety of genres of music normally performed or heard around the Christmas season. Music associated with Christmas may be purely instrumental, or in the case of many carols or songs may employ lyrics whose subject matter ranges from the nativity of Jesus Christ, to gift-giving and merrymaking, to cultural figures such as Santa Claus, among other topics. Performances of Christmas music at public concerts, in churches, at shopping malls, on city streets, and in private gatherings is an integral staple of the Christmas holiday in many cultures across the world.
Popular Christmas music produced in the United States of America from after World War II until the present day has generally remained thematically, lyrically, and instrumentally similar to the songs produced in the early 20th century. The Great Depression era of the 1930s brought a stream of songs of American origin, most of which did not explicitly reference the Christian nature of the holiday, but rather the more secular traditional Western themes and customs associated with Christmas.
In honor of the holiday spirit we are going to rank the best of the best.
5. December (Based on September) – Earth Wind & Fire: Yes this is real. The song is just September but they rerecorded certain parts so it says “December” instead of “September.” That’s it. They didn’t even make it holiday themed. They just replaced words. I respect the move, why try and recreate the wheel when you don’t have too.
4. White Christmas – The Drifters/ Michael Bublé(ft. Shania Twain) – This is probably the most surprising song the list. If you’ve been reading this blog you know the type of music I like- this doesn’t fit the mold at all to a song I would enjoy at all but there’s something about it that captivates me. I respect the Drifters take on the song and I LOVE the Buble/Shania Twain version. It’s not a conventional pick but it’s a staple for me.
3. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree – Brenda Lee: When I was a kid, I thought the lyrics were, “and later we’ll have some fuckin’ pie” and that’s all I’ll say about that.
2. Last Christmas – Wham!: I do not know what it is about this song that pulls me in. Something about the keys at the beginning just gets me. If you don’t like this song, you’re homophobic – it’s that simple.
1. All I Want For Christmas is You – Mariah Carey: I know it’s the most basic answer ever but it’s the only song I can put up at number one. As soon as you hear the opening of the song, the spirit of Christmas possesses you. To the people who think this song is annoying and overplayed, can any of you actually imagine a Christmas now without hearing this song? Imagine having to listen to Jingle Bell Flop on repeat instead of this masterpiece.
A lot of Christmas songs are trash, I’ll be honest. They’re corny, and cheesey but you just have to take them for what they are.
3. Santa Baby – Michael Buble: the lyrics are replaced with Santa Buddy. It’s always so funny to hear. We get it, you don’t wanna fuck Santa. Coward. Get out of here with this “No Homo” trash, Bublé. Your Christmas album is a masterpiece, but it’s not perfect because of this. PU.
2. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A perfect song if you love cuckholding. It doesn’t make sense why this song is so beloved. Either the song is intended to introduce children to the possibility that Santa is in fact actually dad, thus ruining Christmas, or mommy is actually cheating on dad with Santa, thus ruining Christmas. 0/10 Christmas song.
1. Baby It’s Cold Outside- John Legend and Kelly Clarkson: I like John Legend, I hate his song. I can almost guarantee you that his fat faced wife Chrissy Tiegan made him record this song. It was an F-Tier Christmas song before this version and it’s an F-Tier Christmas song after. I don’t give a fuck about the controversy that comes with this song, I just really fucking hate Chrissy Tiegan.
Bonus ranking of Christmas Movies that actually matter
3. Home Alone
2. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (Jim Carey Version)
1. Christmas Vacation: In a blowout, the gap between one and two is STAGGERING.
CHRISTMAS BONUS/Year Long Subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club
For all you EDM fans who might not be aware of this song’s existence, I give you the Christmas remix to Animals by Martin Garrix. Probably should have included this in my top 5 if I’m being honest. This thing BUMPS
Merry Christmas everyone.
Vin'sane Thoughts 