Each Music Monday is formatted as followed: an overview/ my opinion on their said career, followed by the ranking of their top 5 songs, and if you’re lucky, a bonus ranking related to the artist.

As a reminder, this is not and will not be a series where I list no-name songs off an artist’s shitty second album that’ll you’ll hear occasionally in an urban coffee shop. We only grade hits here. I’m not looking for songs that have the best underlying message. I’m not looking for songs that represent the artist’s struggle and triumph over something shitty that happened to them. I don’t care about any of that. We are only ranking the cream of the crop, the pinnacle of an artist’s success. If you have a problem with that, or my rankings, and want to make your criticisms known, you can email all of your concerns to VinnieWontCheckThis@gmail.com. Prior versions of this series can be found here.

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ABBA is a Swedish pop supergroup (for the record, Wikipedia, calls them a supergroup, I didn’t just pull that word out of thin air. However, it is good to know that Wikipedia recognizes greatness when they see it.) formed in Stockholm in 1972 by Agnetha Fältskog, Björn Ulvaeus, Benny Andersson, and Anni-Frid Lyngstad. (The first letter of each member’s name spells out ABBA, hence the name). The members of the supergroup first came together in 1966 when Benny Andersen, who was in a band called The Hep Stars, went on a joint tour with another band that had Björn Ulvaeus in it. (The Hep Stars were known throughout Europe as ‘the Swedish Beatles’, so you know that they were making absolutely TRASH music). The two struck up a friendship on the tour and began collaborating, writing and recording music in their free time. Three years later, Benny decided that he didn’t want to be compared to the Beatles any longer and left the Hep Stars to pursue other interests, namely songwriting and producing. One of the first albums Benny was hired to produce was an album for a young, up-and-coming solo artist named Anni-Frid Lyngstad. They eventually began dating after those long hours spent together in the studio. That same year, Björn met Agnetha Fältskog while working on a TV commercial, and they began a relationship shortly after. Benny and Björn spent most of 1971 as a duo, often relying on their girlfriends to supply back-up vocals. As the two couples began supporting each other during recording sessions, the sound of the women’s voices convinced the songwriters they had a unique sound, thus, in 1972 ABBA came to life.

In 1973 they released their first album, Ring Ring, which had some domestic success. A year later, ABBA won the Eurovision Song Contest by performing Waterloo (which also served as the name of their second album). Waterloo was a global hit, hitting number 1 in nine countries, hit number 6 in the US, and launched ABBA into international stardom. The B-Side of the track, Honey Honey was also a success, hitting number 27 on the US charts. In 1975, ABBA rode the momentum of the Eurovision win by embarking on a full European tour, during which, their third album, titled ABBA was released. The album was supported by three singles, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do (which hit number one in five countries, and number 15 in the US), SOS (which hit number one in six counties, number 2 in six counties, and number 15 in the US), and Mamma Mia! (which hit number one in five counties, and number 32 in the US). Despite having successful singles, ABBA had yet to see it translate to album sales. Determined to break this trend, in March 1976, the band released the compilation album Greatest Hits. The album hit number one in the UK, and top 50 in the US. It also included a new song, Fernando (which hit number one in 13 different counties, and number 13 in the US. ABBA kept churning out hit after hit, and released their fourth album, Arrival, 7 months later. (Seriously, these guys were working more than the Pope, four albums in 3 years while touring the entire time. Their dentists probably hate them for all the grinding they were doing). Arrival achieved the chart success that they hoped, hitting number one in seven countries and number 20 in the US. Arrival‘s success came on the back of its lead single, Dancing Queen, which ended up becoming ABBA’s most successful song. It hit number one in the US, (It is their only song to do so. Facts like this make me ashamed to live in this country) and TWENTY-ONE other countries. Dancing Queen, was later inducted to the Grammy Hall of Fame. (I am not sure what the criteria is to get a song in that Hall of Fame, but they did it!) The other singles also had great chart success. Money, Money, Money hit number one in nine countries, number two in three countries, number three in two countries, and was a top 50 hit in the US. Knowing Me, Knowing You was a top-15 hit in the US, and a number one hit in six countries. One year later, in 1977, the group released their fifth album in as many years, simply titled The Album. By this point, ABBA were full blown superstars. They released this album at a time when the world was in turmoil. Due to the Cold War, Western music was actively discouraged throughout Eastern Europe at the time. Despite this, The Album sold an unprecedented one million copies in Poland in 1977, exhausting the country’s entire allocation of foreign currency. (ABBA has a lot of fun facts, but this might be my favorite one. Imagine being the Treasurer of Poland, having to explain to your boss that your foreign currency allocation became depleted because people couldn’t stop listening to ‘Take a Chance on Me.’ Talk about IMPACT). The singles off the album The Album had decent success, with Take a Chance on Me hit number three in the US and number 1 in seven others, and The Name of the Game hit number 12 in the US and was top-5 in 11 other countries. ABBA had achieved remarkable success, however the constant touring took a toll on the group. It reared its head in 1979, when Björn and Agnetha announced that they were getting divorced after 8 years of marriage. The news caused interest from the media and led to speculation about the band’s future. ABBA assured the press and their fan base they were continuing their work as a group and that the divorce would not affect them. The group’s sixth studio album, Voulez-Vous, was released in April 1979. The album included some of ABBA’s most iconic hits: Chiquitita (which was a top 30 hit in the US and a top five hit in 8 other countries), Does Your Mother Know (a top 20 hit in the US and a top 10 hit in 14 other countries), Voulez-Vous (a top 40 hit in the US), and I Have a Dream (a number one hit in six countries). Also in 1979, the group released their second compilation album, Greatest Hits Vol. 2, which featured a brand new track: “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight). which was a top three hit in 10 countries. The devil works hard but ABBA works harder, because in November 1980, they released their 7th album in 8 years, with Super Trouper. The album had two big singles, The Winner Takes It All (which would be ABBA’s last top ten hit in the US and was a top five hit in 15 other countries), and the title track went number one in 14 countries, and number 45 in the US. I should note that this album also contained the song. Lay All Your Love on Me, which for reasons unknown, they decided not to release as single. (They did, however, rectify this situation by including it on a Greatest Hits record that I will be talk about shortly). Shortly after releasing this album, fans were shocked when Benny and Anni-Frid announced they were getting a divorce. This was the nail in the coffin for the group as we know it, with neither couple still with their respected significant other. The group recorded a half-ass efforted album, The Visitors, which was released along with another greatest hits album in 1982, before the group ultimately took a sABBAtical separated. 10 years later, in 1992, ABBA released their FIFTH greatest hits album, ABBA Gold. The album led to a resurgence of interest in the group. ABBA Gold went on to become the 20th highest selling album in history, selling over 30 million copies. (It really is the gold standard of music. In my opinion, it is the perfect record). This ABBA-Renaissance led to a jukebox musical based around songs of ABBA. Since the musical’s 1999 debut, over 65 million people have seen the show, which has grossed $4 billion worldwide. It also led to a movie adaption in 2008 which has grossed over $750 million worldwide. I think more movies should be “Mamma Mia!-fied.” What I mean by this is that the whole movie’s soundtrack consists of nothing but ABBA.

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This is without a doubt, the longest Music Monday ever. The amount of hits ABBA put out in their 10 years together is staggering. Last tidbit of information I want to include before we get to the rankings: In their 10 years together, ABBA released 8 albums, since the group was formed, they have released TWELVE Greatest Hits albums. Going into to this, I had no idea that Benny and Björn were professional bag chasers- They release the same songs on an album every 5 years and cash the check, what a BRILLIANT business strategy.

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If you thought I was only going to rank five ABBA songs, I have some bad news. ABBA has earned the right to get a top-10 ranking. (Who am I, David Letterman?)

10 (tie). Fernando/Waterloo: if you look through ABBA’s catalog, you’ll find that love is the main inspiration behind a majority of their songs. The very same group that can take every emotion of love, heartbreak, and angst can also take inspiration from the Battle of Waterloo, which saw 42,000 people brutally killed. Your favorite artist wishes they had this kind of versatility.

9. Money Money Money: Timeless lyrics, timeless message. If there is one thing ABBA knows about, it’s securing the bag. Between touring nonstop for 10 years, releasing a Greatest Hits album every 5 years, royalty checks from Mamma Mia (the play and the film), ABBA made a ton of money, so much in fact that in 1999, they were offered ONE BILLION DOLLARS to embark on a reunion tour and they turned it down. “Wasn’t worth the time.” I don’t have the exact numbers, but I am going to go out on a limb and say ABBA is Sweden’s second largest export (after IKEA), and the four members of the supergroup are the richest people on earth.

8. SOS: With this song, ABBA invented the sad banger. I feel reborn every time I hear the piano intro. Here’s a little trivia about this song: it is the only number one hit in which both the title of the song and the artist performing it are palindromes.

7. Take a Chance on Me: Statistics show that if you sing this during a job interview, your odds to land the job go up by 36%.

6. Super Trouper: my thoughts on this song can be summed up in this tweet:

5. Does Your Mother Know: for a song that is literally about ABBA trying not to catch a charge, I have to admit, this song really gets the toes tapping. Missed opportunity not making this the theme of To Catch a Predator.

4. Mamma Mia: This song is great, but I want to use this time to address questions I have about the Mamma Mia films. Do we think that in the Mamma Mia universe that ABBA exists which means the characters in the films know they’re singing ABBA songs or do you think the characters made the songs up? Additionally, the ABBA songs they sing could also be the Dynamos songs in this universe, which would mean Donna and the Dynamos are the ABBA of the Mamma Mia world. There is so much to think about and it’s wrinkling my brain.

Bonus fun fact: Mamma Mia hit number 1 on the UK charts in 1976, taking Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody off the top spot. This was the first time a song had been removed from the top spot by one of its own lyrics.

3. Dancing Queen: Seeing this song as low as it is on this may come as a surprise to most, however, it feels like an easy way out if I put their most successful at number one, especially when they have as many hits that are just as good. This song went number one in 21 counties, I’m sure ABBA won’t lose sleep over this song not being number one on my list.

2. Lay All Your Love on Me: I always thought the first line of this was “I was in jail just before we met,” which I think makes perfect sense because the next line is “now every woman I see is a potential threat.” Regardless, the song is incredible, that is why it comes in at number two. It would be ignorant of me to not acknowledge how Amanda Seyfried did her thing with this in the Mamma Mia film adaptation. She deserves the most, and this was the best part of the movie, hands down. (An alternative meaning to the ABBA acronym is:

Amanda Seyfried
Brosnan
Baranski
Ahh!! Meryl Streep’s ghost)

1. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Man After Midnight): Nothing will EVER give me more serotonin than the intro to this song. I am not a super religious person, but there is no doubt in my mind that the keyboard rift is a direct message from God himself. I hope people start recognizing that this ABBA-solutely music at its peak.

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