When I am not writing stupid blogs and ranking the best ABBA songs, I have a day job working in the finance industry. As such, LinkedIn is a necessary tool because of the ability to network and vet people within the industry. I don’t necessarily like LinkedIn- I see it as a cesspool filled with the most insufferable people on the internet who act way more important than they actually are. However, because of my profession, and #marketing purposes, I’m pressed to use it. I get tons of people “requesting to join my network.” These individuals can vary from people who I know personally to people who hope to do business with the company I work for. Most of the time, when I get a new connection request, I just add them and don’t really give it much attention. However, there was one request I received that caused me to pause and forced me to question the very fabric of my existence. The aforementioned request is below:

There is a lot to unpack here but there is an elephant in the room that I have to address right off the top. Yes, before I was a young professional with a distinguished career that spans half-a-decade, I was blacking out on Tuesday’s and asking unfamiliar faces at parties who they knew. It taught me leadership as well as teaching me how to handle asking tough, uncomfortable questions. I wouldn’t be where I am today without that experience, in large part because I learned early on what sized fleece Patagonia vest suits me the best. However, this guy trying to use a fraternity I was apart of five years as a way to get my attention is a reach. That was two presidencies ago bro, use something more relevant to my life as a 27 year old if you want me to connect with you. Maybe something along the lines of “Hey Vincent hope all is well. I noticed you always buy a package of spinach at Trader Joe’s because you tell yourself this is finally the week where you bring a salad to work for lunch but you never do and so your garbage can is constantly filled with expired, unopened packages of spinach. A couple of my students also have zero respect for themselves. It would be good to connect bro...” Despite John’s lack of a relevant attention statement, BOY did this man piqued my curiosity. I’ll be honest, seeing this invitation request didn’t make me feel too great about myself. How bad is my LinkedIn page that a Brazilian dating coach stumbles upon it, takes one look at it thinks to himself, “This man needs my help”? How much ‘this guy doesn’t fuck‘ energy does my LinkedIn page ooze?! Who does this guy think he is!? Now I’ll acknowledge that I am not a ten by any means and my profile picture isn’t the greatest but for this guy to assume I need help dating is hurtful! (Whether or not he is right is beside the point). I had to learn more about this guy, I immediately clicked on his profile. I didn’t know it yet, but this was the beginning of me entering a rabbit hole I could not escape from.

For those who aren’t well versed with LinkedIn, most About sections typically do not include how many partners you’ve participated in cotise with. 1,250 people is an astronomical number. For reference, 1,400 people died in the North Tower during the events of 9/11. Now, I want to make myself clear, I am not trying to make light of the horrific events that occurred on that dark day in history. That number is only supposed to be used to illustrate just how many people 1,250 is. All I am saying is that roughly as many people that went down with the North Tower on that fateful day have gone down on ole’ Johnny here. Since he has proclaimed he has slept with that many women, I figured I owed it to him to give his website a visit. This pop-up came up upon entering his site.

Personally, I believe that these are both terrible options to provide, because I have to click “No thanks, I don’t like getting laid” in order to navigate the rest of his website, which is pretty counter-intuitive if you ask me. If I didn’t like getting laid, why on earth would I want to hire a dating coach? That is the entire reason I am here. As for the content on the home page of his website, it is a DOOZY.

The home page of his website has: an introductory video on who he is and why he’s the ideal guy to enlist for dating advice, a video montage of him in action, and three client reviews. I watched these so you wouldn’t have to and I am posting my favorite clips below.

If you don’t want to click on the video, the clip I attached is a 30 second clip of what is a three minute video pretty much showing John: meeting girls at bars, kissing them, and walking back to the hotel with them. My biggest question is how do none of these girls notice the guy creepily filming behind John? Does he use it as an icebreaker? Like John walks up to a respectable woman at a club with his cameraman right behind him and goes, “Hey I’m John.” and the girl goes “Hi John… Why are you filming me?” Talk about a conversation starter! All these years of me struggling to approach women at bars because I would always overthink it and wouldn’t know what to say, when all I had to do is have a friend point his camera at a girl I was interested in and have them approach me. Genius.

The second clip I attached is from one of the guys reviewing the course. He talks about doing a ‘boot-camp’ with a friend of his and John where they went out and managed to pull a couple girls before midnight without “doing any warmups.” Buddy is treating talking to girls during a night out like he’s about to run the mile in PE. Yea dude, ALWAYS make sure you stretch before you buy a girl a drink, you don’t want to hyperextend your elbow when you go and hand it to her.

Mr. Calisthenics also mentioned how he managed to pull five girls that weekend alone. I needed to deeper. I needed to hear from more men and their triumphs. I was in luck! Fortunately, there is a tab on the top of the website titled “Success Stories.” I expected to find similar videos to the one on the homepage where it’s just a bunch of dudes filming a two to three minute video in their car talking about how despite being good looking they couldn’t unlock the secret to having success with women until they bought John’s course and he provided them with the key, blah blah blah. And yes, while the Success Story tab does have videos exactly like the ones I just described, there were also some videos that truly left me speechless. Namely these:

There is a lot to unpack here. I guess I’ll start by saying that I have absolutely zero interest in watching the 12 minute video of the 45 year old explaining how he managed to sleep with a girl who is one year removed from having to ask for permission to use the restroom at school. This 45 year old TOTALLY looks like a teacher that would get fired for trying to fuck a student.

I don’t have much to say about the guy who went from being a virgin to sleeping with 47 woman other than I am a little insulted that John thought I required as much help pulling chicks as a guy who looks like the reason the FBI created watchlists.

However, I went from “a little insulted” to “Fuck You John Anthony,” the second I saw the thumbnail with the jamoke in the wheelchair. I don’t think highly of myself AT ALL, but the AUDACITY of this dickhead to reach out to me about the dating advice he could give me that he also provides to someone who has never scuffed a pair of shoes in their life is the harshest thing someone has ever done to me. By the time I recognized that I simply built all of this up in my head – John didn’t reach out to me about potentially signing up for services at all. He simply wanted to join my network- it was too late. I created this.

If you want to see John’s website for yourself, you can do so by clicking here. If you finished reading this thinking that you could benefit from his coaching, just tell him Vinnie sent you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a LinkedIn profile to overhaul.

BONUS SCREENSHOT OF OTHER VIDEOS JOHN’S WEBSITE