I consider myself a very insecure person. I am extremely conscious of how others perceive me an it ultimately leads to the reproachful view I have about myself. I worry about people judging the most miniscule details about my appearance, such as how noticeable the bags under my eyes are, to fretting about if the back of my shirt is wrinkled or not. While it is not exactly healthy to do, it keeps me humble. However, as attentive as I am about the tiniest, most outrageous things regarding my appearance and actions, one thing I will never, EVER be shamed for or insecure about is enjoying a DELICIOUS fruity alcoholic beverage. I understand the confusion – how can an individual who is unsettled about the back of his shirt getting naturally wrinkled from sitting down not agonize about what people think when he orders a Blue Flamingo? It’s simple really, I can sit a certain way to ensure my shirt doesn’t get wrinkled, however, there is NOTHING that I can do to make beer taste like anything other than dog water.

The stigma that men cannot order these fruity drinks because they are “girly” is unwarranted. (I would argue that all cocktails are manly based on the name alone). If I am out to eat and have strawberries in a little fruit cup as the side to my meal, nobody bats an eye, but if I’m at the bar and order a drink with strawberries in it, I get looked at like I should be embarrassed. Why should I feel ashamed about wanting to drink something that tastes delightful? I’ll admit, some of the names that they give these drinks aren’t great, and they certainly contribute to the notion that fruity drinks are girly, but the fact of the matter is, if the bar didn’t want me to order a Cocksucking Cowboy, they wouldn’t have made it so fucking delicious.

The wildest part about this stupid societal assumption is that it only pertains to drinks. To the men reading this (and the women who shame kings for getting fruity drinks)- Could you imagine going to a restaurant, having an exquisite meal, and wanting to put a lovely bow on the evening by getting some dessert; but instead of ordering the red velvet cake or the raspberry lychee, you get some gross green Jell-O because the red velvet cake looks too girly? Of course not, that would be absurd. Yet, people purposely deprive themselves of flavorsome drinks to sip on BREAD SODA so they don’t look look “girly”. I am not even sure what the criteria that a drink needs to have in order to be classified as a girly drink. Is it the taste? Can the most macho of men not enjoy something unless it’s completely abhorrent? Is suffering is the most masculine thing you can do?

I’ve had this conversation with my friends on numerous occasions- I’ll be the “girly” one at the table with my five different liquor infused drink while my friends sip on a can of Wheat Tea with the alcohol content of my left toe, while simultaneously trying to tell me to order a “real” drink. My drink is 40% vodka – I get more alcohol content by just eating the fruit off my tiny plastic sword than I would out of their 4% manly-ass beer. I drink these drinks in part because they knock me on my dang keister, whereas beer just makes me feel bloated and sober. Imagine being so fiscally irresponsible that you would order 12 beers at a bar to get the same level of drunk that you would if you ordered three Strawberry Daiquiris. We get it dude; we know there is a wage gap and that you can afford it, but you’re just lighting money on fire. I’ve been out with my buddies where I’ve ordered a fruity drink and then all the guys make fun of me and order a beer. Then, when it is time to order a second round, they all get the fruity drink I had because they tried it and absolutely loved it. It happens EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I’ve heard all of the arguments for why men refuse to order fruity drinks. The most common reason I hear is, “Those drinks are just too sweet. I can’t handle all of that sugar.” And they act like my sugar-rimmed strawberry margarita is laced with fentanyl so they have to avoid it at all costs. Those same Big, Burly Men that question my manhood for drinking a Pina Colada suddenly do not have enough hair on their chest to handle a little sugar in a drink. What’s wrong, Tyler? Does it hurt your tummy? Does it give you a whittle headache? It’s fucking sugar. Grow up.

I do not intend to aim this entire blog post at those people who enjoy beer. I want to make something clear, my distain for beer is not the result of me not giving it a fair shot; I dislike beer because I think it tastes terrible. At first, I thought I was just drinking bad beers (then I realized they are all bad beers). Throughout the years, people have had me try different styles of beer and IPAs that have more “flavor” than your traditional beer. I know before the glass hits my lips that I will hate it, but I play along. I’ll amuse them, I’ll try their shitty double chocolate mud-cake stout/peach cobbler sour beer- and wouldn’t you know it – it tastes like fucked up Bread-in-a-Can! Every. Single. Time. Then, the conversation pivots to them saying something snobbish, like I only dislike beer because I can’t handle the bitterness that comes from the hops. Here’s a fun fact for those who aren’t very knowledgeable in botany; the people that think beer is the manliest thing on God’s Green Earth would have a fucking stroke if they knew that hops are in fact, FLOWERS. You pound you chest about not consuming any beverage with mango in it, yet here you are guzzling Fermented Flower Punch. Your Grass Water isn’t any more manly than my Rum Runner; get off your high horse.

I’ll defend drinking fruity drinks to my dying breath, but I understand that they are not for everyone. I hope to continue to use my platform to help men who refuse to order fruity drinks because they are worried about the societal pressures of what they can and cannot drink. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter what we are drinking- whether it’s beer or a Sex on the Beach, we all got equally scammed into paying $15 for a single drink in Wrigleyville. Life is too short to not have a little umbrella in your drink.