I visited my alma mater last weekend to relive the glory days and remind myself the pain and torture I put myself through when I would blackout on Tuesday nights with an 8 am Wednesday class the following morning. I wasn’t planning on going but I found a cheap flight decided to book it.

So anyway, I’m on my way to the airport and as my personal driver  mom pulls into Departures, it was at this point in time that I am reminded how much pandemonium there is any time you fly. Right when you walk through the sliding, automatic doors and look around, the first things you see are nothing but pure chaos.  The first hoop you have to jump through is checking in a bag. The fact that these airline companies think that humans are intelligent enough to get their own bag tags from a kiosk in an efficient manner is laughable. A common rule of thumb is you have to get to the airport an hour and a half before your flight and this is because you have to spend 10 minutes waiting behind a guy with Cheetos Puff dust on his fingers yelling about how the touchscreen isn’t working. To most, this would already be enough of a hassle as is, but the sad reality of all of it is that you are just getting started.

If you thought the line to check in a bag was bad, well I hope you wore your fat pants, because you’re going to be adding on some pounds from all the weighting you’re going to be doing in order to get through security! (That was a bad joke I know). These security lines aren’t too bad if you’re a frequent flier, they let you skip the long lines, but you need a lot of connections to become one. I personally feel at my most vulnerable when I’m barefoot and beltless standing in these lines just waiting to get tastefully groped by a TSA Agent. TSA Agents are just the bouncers of the sky if you really think about it. Once they let you into this prestigious club you gain access to all the overpriced chained restaurants that your heart desires! The best part is that the airport provides transportation to get you from one eatery to the next. I will say this, there is nothing more American than standing on the moving walkway as it slowly drops you off at a Cinnabon. An additional bonus to using the moving walkway is getting to experience what groceries feel like when they are getting rung up at a supermarket. Now, at this point, you should start to make your way to gate to get ready to fight for a seat with the asshole who decided to lay across five different chairs. I would say that the people that do this are just plane rude but I’m not gonna make that bad of a joke. Once you finally get on the plane the very first thing, and I mean it, the very first thing you do once you sit down is to establish armrest dominance. I don’t care how much of a unit the person sitting next to you is, you cannot let them alpha you for this. Few situations are more passive aggressive angst and unspoken tension than negotiating this, do not mess it up because it will put the entire flight in a tailspin. Fight or Flight. After the plane lands do not be one of those people who stand up immediately thereafter. There’s a special place in goofland for people who do this, where do you think you’re going? As you walk off the plane you look around the foreign surroundings of this different airport and make your way over to baggage claim. The most tedious part of this is dealing with the people treat the baggage claim like the fucking Hunger Games. As people pluck their bags out one by one you see a shift in power dynamics and also see different alliances being formed, it’s an absolute war zone out there.

If you can survive all of this, congratulations on your plane not crashing you have endured a test of patience, headaches, and gropings. They say it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey, and boy does the airport make for an interesting one.