(I am assuming everyone who opened this post immediately closed out after seeing this joke)

Today began like any other day; it started when I woke up. But what made this November morning different was that it was 17 degrees outside. I would say fuck this weather but it’s definitely under 18. Now, I know you’re probably thinking. “Vinnie, you’re from Chicago, it shouldn’t even be cold to you…” I am not a polar bear just because it’s cold here for 5 months out of the year. You think I’m outside the entire time like Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant? I keep my house at 70 degrees just like all of you for crying out cloud*. It’s so cold I’d let a guy rob me with a water gun. I’m not going to bring up global warming because I know that’s a heated subject, but just know that this weather is trash and it feels like a myth this very second in time.

The people who prefer “sweater weather” to summer might be the biggest psychopaths on the planet. This temperature is out here dropping lower than my self -esteem and you guys are okay with it. There is nothing enjoyable about being cold. The only good thing sweater weather gave us was that song by the Neighbourhood. This isn’t “sweater weather” either, this is “tissues in every coat pocket weather.” “But you can dress in layers.” Listen, I’m not an ogre, nor am I an onion. Don’t talk to me about layers. Cold weather makes routine things 10x harder, having smooth lips, getting out of bed, swimming. The list goes on and on. “But you can only drink hot chocolate when it’s cold outside.” You’re right, there is nothing better than getting third-degree burns on your tongue and not being able to taste food for a week; winter is the best! “You can’t ski in the summer, though..” Jet Ski. Skee-Ball. Wayne Gretzky. There are a lot of different forms of skis, we can survive. “Okay, fine, but you have to admit that fall/winter fashion is the best right?” You can wear those things behind clothes doors; it doesn’t have to be 20 degrees outside.

It’s easy for me to be bummed out about the cold, however, I am hopeful for change. We Be Burnin’ soon enough. I have the utmost support for our newest climate change ambassador. His platform was simple- he thought the winter time was cold and he wanna be keeping us warm. This just shows the type of guy he is, Sean Paul didn’t have to do this. He has already given us so much, but here he is wanting to end winter. Iconic. It has been 13 years since ‘Temperature‘ came out and it still fires me up just as much is it did in 2005- truly an all-time song.

On a serious note, imagine having schizophrenia but the voices in your head are Sean Paul just singing Temperature, seems way more enjoyable.

I’m 5’8 and I still find a way to look down on people who love when it’s cold, quit that nonsense.

*this was an accidental typo but I’m keeping it