Languages are one of the most amazing aspects of life that have ever happened in the history of humanity. Who just woke up one day and decided to create words? How did all these words come to be? Who decided how we spell these words? Who was in charge of making letters look the way that they do? (I need to stop before I give myself a headache). Some letters, however, are better than others. Others are useless. This is to let you know the order of which these letters rank. 

26. Q:

Imagine spending your entire life trying to craft a legacy for yourself so you go on to invent a letter and then some English teacher in the 1400s said “actually no, this letter can’t be used in words unless it is followed by another letter. That’s got to hurt, a fucking teacher just undercut everything you built. 

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25. X:

X is a useless letter. You can replace half the words that have an x in it with a Z and have the same exact pronunciation. For example, xylophone has no reason, to begin with an x. The only saving grace that X has is that it’s very generous. X will give it to ya.

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24. L:

This letter is pretty useful but an alphabet with no L means it’s always Christmas, and that sounds like a way better reality than the one we currently live in.

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23. Z:

Z is a forgettable letter. The only reason it matters is that it is last in the song. What else does it have if it’s not last? Because of this, I’ll say that Z is more a product of timing and circumstance and less about merit. For that reason, it finds itself very low on this list.

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22. J:

Ah, who can forget the Aldi brand of the letter G! The answer is everyone, J is a really bad letter. There aren’t really any redeemable qualities about it that separate it from the pack. It looks like a fish hook sort of, so I guess that’s something.

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21. K:

When it comes to ranking my letters, I have to say, I’m a big efficiency guy, Any word with a K in it can be replaced with a C, so K isn’t really needed. The most useless combination of letters in the English language is the CK combo. You don’t need both of them because they make the same sound. I like to compare this letter combo to inviting a girl to your hotel room, asking the said girl if you can masturbate in front of her, her saying no, then doing it anyway. You were going to jerk off in your hotel room anyway, why add someone completely unnecessary to the combination. (this joke rules)

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20. Y:

This letter stinks. Y you ask? It’s a wannabe vowel. If the alphabet was in a classic high school movie; Y would the kid that tries throughout the movie to gain acceptance from the cool kids (the vowels). So it does everything it can to impress them: it changes its tone (how it sounds), it tries to fit in. It wants to be a vowel so bad but it’s not. Quit trying you fucking loser.

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19. W:

This is what happens when U and V get married, have twins, and then neither of them end up looking like the dad even though they are both named after him. In this example, the U is the dad and the V is a mother. It would make more sense that it should be the other way around, based on the way the letters are shaped but whatever; it’s 2019. Gender and parental roles be damned.

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18. U:

The least important vowel by FAR. Seriously, do U even know what is going on here? Whoever was on the vowel voting committee that nominated and approved the letter U to be one of the pillars of our English language should be hung from a cross. One of the men in this committee’s shitty son probably asked his dad to lobby for the letter U to be included in the vowels and the dad agreed to try to compensate for being an absent father much of that kid’s life. U needs to get out of my face.

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17. H:

H is always the bridesmaid; never the bride. It’s a great supporting player, puts the team before itself. It just doesn’t have the star power to make a difference on its own. That’s perfectly fine though; not everyone can be Michael Jordan; we need Scottie Pippin’s in this world too.

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16.R:

This is a tough letter to grade. It’s the best non-vowel supporting letter in the alphabet, but it doesn’t have words that really stand alone. It relies on the letter E a bit too much. Seriously, look how many R-words are either preceded or followed by the letter E. But hey, riding coattails of a successful letter isn’t a bad strategy. R is like the members of N’Sync that aren’t Justin Timberlake. E (JT) gets all the shine but you still get paid too.

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15. P:

P is one of the most important letters in the alphabet song. The ELEMENO P followed by the QRS part of the song is the equivalent to when the beat changes in Sicko Mode. As for the letter itself, it’s fine, it has a bowel movement named after it which is cool. (Urine luck, because I didn’t put this as number one on the list)

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14. D:

If you want the D (higher on this list), well too bad. The letter D finds itself this low due to not living up to expectations. It is in a lot of words but it doesn’t really jump out and truly make that leap to the elite level. It’s the ABC’s and D didn’t do enough to get included with those titans.

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13. V:

I consider this a strong letter. It is a great letter to put at the beginning of any name. This is the only letter that is suitable to be right in the middle of the list because if you turn a V on it’s left side it’s > than numbers 14-26 on the list, and if you put it on it’s right side then it is < than letters 12-1 (this is absolutely flawless logic… Change my view)

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12. O:

(putting the colon next to this letter makes it look likes it’s surprised to be here on the list.)

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11. G:

G is a letter that you don’t realize is important until you take it out of words. If you took the letter G out of the word “good” it would just be odd

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10 & 9. M & N:

No, not the rapper nor the candy. I have to rank these together because of how intertwined they are. I don’t know if N sounds like M or vise versa. I’m not going to knock them for sounding exactly the same because you can say the same thing as B, E, and V being too similar.

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8. B:

B gets a bad rap and has a negative stigma surrounding it. Sure, being on the B team or being a B player, stings and nobody likes second place, but you have to remember, second place is still really good. Plus I’m pretty sure this is the only letter to have a movie based on itself. Jerry Seinfeld’s in it so it has to be a big deal, no other letter can say that. If you ask me, B is cool because it’s between AC

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7. F:

F is a good letter. it’s not in a ton of words but the words it is in are absolute bangers. Some of the best words in the entire English language begin with F: Fun, friends, family, fuck, failure, Friday, the list goes on and on. Fantastic letter.

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6. T:

All five of you Most of you reading this are probably surprised to see T this high on the list but the reason is simply that I don’t drink coffee. If I had to rank the different types of tea I’d have to go: sweet, lemon, apple cinnamon, green, black.

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5. C:

This is a dominant letter. You can combine this letter with a ton of different ones and get a lot more words. This letter is superior to that fraud letter K because you can switch every word that has a K in it and have it sound the same but can’t replace every letter that has a C with a K. C is also interchangeable with the letter S where K isn’t. C is a true team player, you can plug them anywhere but when push comes to shove they can also step up to the plate and dominate a word if needed.

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4. S:

S is an absolute workhorse. It’s in a ton of words and also handles making words plural and possessive. No letter works harder and has more responsibilities. There isn’t a joke in this one or a silly one-liner; I just really want everyone to appreciate everything the letter S does for us.

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3. A:

The first letter in the alphabet comes in at number 3 on the list. This is the type of letter you want as the face of your franchise, a great representation of the alphabet, never got into trouble with the law and always carries itself with pride. Also, I’ve always wondered why we write a lower case ‘a’ differently than when we type it. They don’t look the same and it’s the only letter that we do this with.

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2. E:

E is Elite, a Swiss Army knife of sorts. It can stand alone and hold together a word, and it can support other letters. It is more used than every other letter. But the thing about the letter E that is so crazy is that it is also important to the number game. All odd numbers have the letter E in their spelling. There’s no joke here but I want you to think about how wild that fact is.

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1. I:

Finally, we have reached the pinnacle of the rankings. The top of the mountain. Your number one letter in the alphabet is the letter I, because I am the best*.

*I wrote this list before I drunk texted my ex-girlfriend on New Year’s Eve. The ranking of this letter would have changed if that stupid mistake was factored into this.