Bill Gates, Warren Buffet, Jeff Bezos, Vinnie Barone. When you think about high wealth and success, these names are usually the first that come to mind. Bill Gates invented Microsoft, which changed the way computers ran forever. Warren Buffet accumulated his wealth by being the greatest investor to ever live. Jeff Bezos has slowly begun world domination by creating Amazon from his garage. I joined this list of innovative and affluent people today when I bought AirPods.

Before my sudden change of fortune, I was a poor like most of you. But now, I feel like a completely different person. As I was walking back to work from the Apple Store, I caught myself looking at non-AirPod users, often in disgust. I felt better than them, I felt insulted that they were even using the same sidewalk is me. They should have been walking in traffic. My entire view of the world has changed. If I see someone who corded headphones, I want them to tie the cord into a noose and hang themselves with it. Conversely, I now catch myself giving head nods to everyone I see wearing AirPods to show them that I recognize their superiority. And show them, that I, an AirPod owner, am also superior. I learned my worth, I have a new found confidence in myself. After I got back to the office where a homeless person coworker started asking me about my newest purchase. Or at least that’s what I think he was talking about, I don’t understand broke so I really couldn’t tell you what he was saying. I was repulsed by his presence so I had to spend the rest of the day wearing sunglasses because I wanted nothing to do with him. It’s a shame, he is a really nice guy.

I know there are a lot of responsibilities that come with being an AirPowner, and I’m prepared to fulfill my duties. Owning AirPods is a badge of honor, and having a pair should not be taken for granted. That is why I displayed the box that the Pods came in next to my college diploma, to display to all to inspire them that “Yes, I have done everything I can do in this life, I have reached the pinnacle- the top of the mountain, and that maybe, they can get to this point too.

I’m an AirPOS. Deal with it, peasants.