Each Music Monday will be formatted as followed: an overview/ my opinion on their said career, followed by the ranking of their top 5 songs. No artist is without flaws, their worst three songs will also be judged and ripped to shreds.
As a reminder, this is not going to be a series where I list no-name songs off an artist’s shitty second album that’ll you’ll hear occasionally in an urban coffee shop. We only grade hits here. I’m not looking for songs that have the best underlying message. I’m not looking for songs that represent the artist’s struggle and triumph over something shitty that happened to them. I don’t care about any of that. We are only ranking the cream of the crop, the pinnacle of an artist’s success. Before you ask, I will not be ranking The Beatles’ songs, as I do not want to tarnish my blog with overrated garbage. If you have a problem with that, or my rankings, and want to make your criticisms known, you can email all of your concerns to VinnieWontCheckThis@gmail.com. Prior versions of this series can be found here.
So with that, let’s get started.
Peter Gene Hernandez was born October 8, 1985 in Honolulu, Hawaii. I’ve known it for a while but the fact that Bruno Mars’ real name is Pete Fucking Hernandez is one of the many reasons I have trust issues. If you didn’t know this little tidbit of information, I apologize if it’s going to be hard for you to sleep tonight. Mars Hernandez is one of six children and came from a musical family which exposed him to a diverse mix of music genres, including reggae, rock, hip hop, and R&B. His mother was both a singer and a dancer, and his father performed Little Richard rock and roll music. At the age of four, Mars began performing five days a week with his family’s band, The Love Notes, and became known in Hawaii for his impersonation of Elvis Presley. He later performed in the halftime show of the 1990 Aloha Bowl. In 2003, shortly after graduating from high school at the age of 17, Mars moved to Los Angeles to pursue a musical career. Not wanting to pigeon holed as a Latino singer Hernandez adopted the stage name ‘Bruno Mars.’ He got the nickname “Bruno” by his father because of his resemblance to professional wrestler Bruno Sammartino and added the Mars so his name had ‘pizzazz.’ Before becoming a successful solo artist, Mars was an acknowledged music producer, writing songs for artists like Maroon 5, Flo Rida, Gym Class Heroes, and Sean Kingston. His big break as an artist came late in 2009 while he was working simultaneously on two songs for Lupe Fiasco and later on, B.o.B called Nothin’ On You, and Billionaire with Travis McCoy. Initially, Mars was not supposed to feature on either track, but his “charisma” when singing them made the label want to keep his voice after he recorded the final version. The songs hit number one and number four on the charts and allowed Peter to actually start performing; he began working on his debut album shortly after, releasing the lead single, Just The Way You Are in July 2010. The song was corny, but successful, hitting number one on the charts, being certified Diamond, and getting nominated for three Grammy’s, winning one. He rode this wave of momentum into the release of his debut album, Doo-Wops & Hooligans in October 2010. All in all it had two songs go number one (Just the Way You Are, Grenade), and another go top 5 (The Lazy Song). The album itself was nominated for 5 Grammy awards. After this, he produced a song for Twilight and that ht number 3 on the charts (It Will Rain). After a brief cocaine arrest, Bruno followed up his successful debut album with his second record, Unorthodox Jukebox in October 2012. Much like its predecessor, it had two songs hit number one (Locked Out of Heaven, When I Was Your Man), and a top five hit (Treasure). Additionally, it also had a song go top 20 (Gorilla). The album was good enough to warrant three Grammy Nominations, and to have him headline the halftime show of Super Bowl XLVIII. In 2014, he released the biggest hit of his career, Uptown Funk, which held the top spot on the charts for 14 weeks. He also appeared at the halftime show for Super Bowl 50, before releasing his third album, 24K Magic, in late 2016. It had a song go number 1 (That’s What I Like), number 3 (Finesse), and number 4 (24k Magic). The album was nominated and won six Grammy’s. He really put his foot on the gas for this album and I’ll never get over it. Everything slaps and there’s not one filler track. Since then he was worked on two songs with a problematic artist who admitted to repeatedly drugging and robbing men. I won’t name names but I think it’s important to mention. I will be the bigger person and admit that Finesse is a very good song, but I cannot defend Please Me. I do think we’re getting new music from him soon, which I’m really looking forward to.
Bruno has been a mainstay on the radio for an entire decade, with no signs of slowing down. While he only has 3 albums, dude has as many hits as anyone. Let’s rank them.
Toughest Omission. Versace on the Floor: song is a hit, simple as that.
5. Treasure: I feel like people still haven’t acknowledged that this song starts with a robotic voice saying “baby squirrel, you’s a sexy motherfucker.” I have no idea what that means, but what I do know is that this song is a BOP. I like it more than most- just a feel good song all around.
4. Locked Out of Heaven: I love this song, but someone sent me a traumatic joke about this song 7 years ago and I haven’t gotten over it. I’ll never forget it, they said, “oh really Bruno? you were ‘locked out’ of Heaven? more like you couldn’t reach the handle you freaking midget.” Just a total day ruiner tbh, we don’t height shame in this blog.
3. Grenade: oof, this is the perfect song if you want to feel bad about your feelings for a girl you used to hook up with in college but she was just using you to get over her ex. One thing I never understood about this song was the one lyric when he says, “Should’ve known you was trouble from the first kiss. Had your eyes wide open. Why were they open?” How did he know that her eyes were open unless his were too?
2. 24K Magic: I play this song when I put on a jacket and find $5 in one of the pockets. The production on this song absolutely steals the show. This type of music is Bruno’s wheelhouse, and with this song, he did what he had to do- knocked it out of the park. He might be the only artist that can pull it off successfully.
1. Uptown Funk: This is the best selling song of all time for a reason. Additionally, it was (rightfully) named song of the decade by Billboard. We are going to look back fondly on this masterpiece. The video is a classic, just fantastic on all facets. Is this song overplayed? Perhaps. Do I still shamelessly love it? Absolutely.
I was gonna rank his worst songs but that list just starts and ends with The Lazy Song.
As a shorter man myself, I must say I welcome and nominate Bruno Mars to be the King and ruler for all men under 6’0. All bow down to your fearless leader you underlings.
Your Turn
If you had a blog and were to rank every Bruno Mars song that hit top 20 on the charts, what are your top 5?
| Title | Year | Peak chart positions | Album |
| Just the Way You Are | 2010 | 1 | Doo-Wops & Hooligans |
| Grenade | 2010 | 1 | Doo-Wops & Hooligans |
| The Lazy Song | 2011 | 4 | Doo-Wops & Hooligans |
| It Will Rain | 2011 | 3 | Doo-Wops & Hooligans |
| Locked Out of Heaven | 2012 | 1 | Unorthodox Jukebox |
| When I Was Your Man | 2013 | 1 | Unorthodox Jukebox |
| Treasure | 2013 | 5 | Unorthodox Jukebox |
| Gorilla | 2013 | 20 | Unorthodox Jukebox |
| Uptown Funk | 2014 | 1 | Uptown Special |
| 24K Magic | 2016 | 4 | 24K Magic |
| That’s What I Like | 2017 | 1 | 24K Magic |
| Finesse (ft. Cardi B) | 2018 | 3 | 24K Magic |
| Please Me (with Cardi B) | 2019 | 3 | N/A |
Vin'sane Thoughts 