Each Music Monday will be formatted as followed: an overview/ my opinion on their said career, followed by the ranking of their top 5 songs. No artist is without flaws, their worst three songs will also be judged and ripped to shreds.

As a reminder, this is not going to be a series where I list no-name songs off an artist’s shitty second album that’ll you’ll hear occasionally in an urban coffee shop. We only grade hits here. I’m not looking for songs that have the best underlying message. I’m not looking for songs that represent the artist’s struggle and triumph over something shitty that happened to them. I don’t care about any of that. We are only ranking the cream of the crop, the pinnacle of an artist’s success. Before you ask, I will not be ranking The Beatles’ songs, as I do not want to tarnish my blog with overrated garbage. If you have a problem with that, or my rankings, and want to make your criticisms known, you can email all of your concerns to VinnieWontCheckThis@gmail.com. Prior versions of this series can be found here.

So with that, let’s get started

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Christina María Aguilera was born in Staten Island, New York City, on December 18, 1980. Her family moved frequently because of her father’s military service and lived in places including New Jersey, Texas, New York, and Japan. Aguilera alleged that her father was physically and emotionally abusive. To cope with her turbulent household, she used music as a form of escape. She was drawn to soul and blues records her grandmother bought and would practice singing. In 1991, Aguilera auditioned for a position on The Mickey Mouse Club, although she did not meet its age requirements. She joined the television series two years later, where she performed musical numbers and sketch comedy until its cancellation in. Her fellow cast members included Ryan Gosling, Keri Russell, Britney Spears, and Justin Timberlake. She was signed to a record label shortly after the shows cancellation and began to work on her debut album. The label was pressured by the contemporary teen pop craze evoked by Aguilera’s frienemy, Britney Spears, leading to the label rushing production of the album and aligning Aguilera to be part of the teen pop trend. They released the lead single off the album, Genie in a Bottle, in July 1999. The single catapulted Aguilera to stardom, peaking atop the US Billboard Hot 100. Aguilera’s self-titled debut album followed in August 1999 and peaked number one on the charts, and would be certified eight times platinum. On top of Genie in a Bottle the album spawned a total of 3 number one hits (What a Girl Wants, Come on Over Baby) and a top 3 hit (I Turn To You). She later won a Grammy that year for Best New Artist, beating out Britney Spears and Kid Rock for the prestigious award. She followed up her debut album with a Spanish album Mi Reflejo, in September 2000, which led to her receiving the Latin Grammy Award for Best Female Pop Vocal Album. A Christmas album followed a month later. In 2001, Missy Elliot recruited Christina to collaborate with P!nk, Mya, and Lil Kim to cover the 1974 classic, Lady Marmalade. With it Christina notched her 4th number one hit and later won her yet another Grammy – this one for Best Pop Collaboration. Despite the worldwide success, Aguilera was unsatisfied with the music and image that her management had given her, having been marketed as a bubblegum pop singer because of the genre’s financial lure. Following the managerial shakeup, Aguilera decided to create a new style of music. She created an alter ego, known as Xtina. She changed her public appearance and persona, with her hair dyed black she completely shed the girls next door persona that she carried until this point. Emerging from the ashes as a different artist, she released a music video for a new song which was titled, Dirrty, and the game from this point on had changed. The song was the lead single off of her fourth album, Stripped, which she released in October 2002. The album spawned a top two (Beautiful), top 15 (Can’t Hold Us Down), and top 20 (Fighter) hits. Despite selling over 4 million copies in the US, her new image was heavily criticized in the media and she quickly became a lightning rod for controversy. To get back into good graces with the media and to become more family friendly once again, she got back in the studio with Missy Elliot and recorded a cover of the song Car Wash which was used in the 2004 film, Shark Tale. I love the song a lot, I’m heartbroken Spotify took it off, I hope it comes back soon. Either way, during 2005 she got married and dropped the Xtina persona entirely. Her fifth album, Back to Basics was released in August 2006, and was a fusion of old-school jazz and soul inspirations with a modernized style. It spawned a top ten (Ain’t No Other Man) and two top 20 hits (Hurt, Candyman). To promote the album she embarked on a tour that grossed $50 million, making it the highest grossing tour of 2007. She had a kid in 2008 so naturally she released a greatest hits album to commemorate the first decade of her career. It spawned a top 10 hit (Keeps Getting Better). During her pregnancy she listened to a heavy amount of electronic music, and that served as the inspiration for her 6th album, Bionic, which was released in 2010. I’ll be honest, I didn’t know this album existed. She wanted to experiment with an EDM sound and it was just weird. It had one song go top 25 (Not Myself Tonight). I had no idea this thing was made and that might have to do with her working and staring with Cher in the musical film, Burlesque in early 2011, which completely overshadowed this album. The movie made $90 million and critics praised Aguilera for her performance. She then became a coach on the singing competition known as The Voice in 2011. During the show’s first season, Aguilera was featured on Maroon 5’s single Moves like Jagger upon the invitation of the group’s lead vocalist and Aguilera’s fellow The Voice coach Adam Levine. The song hit number one on the charts and has become one of the best selling songs of all time. She released a stinker of an album called Lotus in November 2012, it didn’t have anything worth mentioning so we will pretend it never happened. 2013 she went the J-Lo route and after a string of under performing albums she did what she had to do to get back to relevance – she collaborated with Pitbull. Feel This Moment was released in February 2013 and hit number 8 on the charts. During this time she also collaborated with a new music duo called, A Great Big World on their song, Say Something. This ballad hit number one on the charts and won Aguilera another Grammy. She had another kid in 2014, then acted in several shows and movies before releasing her 7th album, Liberation, in June 2018. Not a single song charted. That’s been it for Christina since then.

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I’m not sure what Christina has to do to get people to care about her again because she is so far removed her prime. I was surprised going through her career because I thought her prime was way longer than it actually was. No disrespect, Christina has hits, but I don’t know why I thought she had way more than she did. Regardless, she has a career that spans multiple decades, and a number of hits to her name.

Toughest Omission: Dirrty (ft. Redman) – This song was MASSIVE when it came out. I was flabbergasted when I saw this jam only hit number 48 on the charts. It makes sense the more I think about it though; she was being blacklisted over the controversy of her new image. Regardless of where this song charted, it was everywhere and is definitely the second or third song you think of when you think about Christina Aguilera. (Plus, I need any excuse I can get to post the music video).

5. Ain’t No Other Man – I have a visual meme here. When Christina opens this song with the “HEYYYYYY” I want you to picture the ship exploding with Carrie Fisher in it scene in Star Wars: The Last Jedi. I’m going to find the gif but if I can’t, just picture it. (FOUND IT)

4. What a Girl Wants: When I first heard this song at the tender age of 6, I thought understanding women was as simple as Christina laid out in this catchy pop song. Boy was I stupid. Christina spends nearly 4 minutes talking about What a Girl Wants, yet, if you’ve ever tried to make dinner plans with a girl they’d spend 2 hours picking a place because they don’t know what they want. It’s infuriating.

3. Genie in a Bottle: This is Christina’s most iconic song. This song pushed a “rivalry” between her and Britney Spears, lines were drawn in the sand, friendships were ruined. When Christina beat Britney out for the Grammy for Best New Artist, it furthered the debate. No matter where you sided on the debate you can’t deny that this song is a certified jam. Game recognize game.

2. Fighter: I wish Christina made more songs like this one. The style suits her voice perfectly. I listen to this song to pump me up whenever I need to get my life together. On Saturday I put it on as I left my condo for the first time at 2 pm to get an egg sandwich. It’s just one of those songs that will never fail to get you motivated.

1. Lady Marmalade (with Mya, P!nk, Lil’ Kim, Missy Elliot) – I know this is technically a collaboration, but let’s be honest – this is a Christina song. It is of the greatest pop songs of all time. The build up to Christina’s verse was done to perfection. It was the musical equivalent Barry Bonds stepping up to the plate in 2001 – you knew what was going to happen, no matter what you did, he was going to hit it out of the park and there was nothing you could do about it. Everyone on this earth knew Christina’s verse was going to be great, and she still exceeded expectations. Iconic.

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Instead of talking about all the bad songs Christina has, I have a funny, abet heartbreaking story involving Christina Aguilera, and I figured this would be the best time to share it. I was always team Britney, but I always appreciated everything Christina did. However, this particular incident almost made me close the door on Christina Aguilera forever. Setting the scene- it was April 2003 and Christina Aguilera was set to embark on a joint tour with Justin Timberlake called the Stripped-Justified Tour. Tickets sold out FAST so obviously they were scarce. There was a girl in my class that 9-year-old Vinnie had a HUGE crush on, and she was a giant Xtina fan. She had her locker decorated, had all the CD’s, everything. Me, despite being team Britney since day one, wanted to win this girl over and do something sweet for her, so I tried (and failed) to convince my mom to get me tickets to the concert so I can go with her. Mom didn’t want to shell out a ton of money for her straight 9 year old son to go to a Christina Aguilera concert so I had to get creative. A ton of radio stations were holding contests with the prize being 4 tickets to the concert. Against all odds, using 3 phones, I had my mom call with me and we somehow won the tickets!! It was one of the highest highs I ever felt; I was on Cloud 9. I couldn’t wait to tell this girl I had 4 tickets so her, her mom, my mom, and I could all go together. When I got to school the next day, the first thing I did was run up to this girl to ask her if she wanted to go to the concert with me. In life, you are often put in tough situations that require a lot of difficult decisions. This shouldn’t have been one of those situations. Being as big of a Christina fan as she was, in my head I thought this had to be the best thing to ever happen to her. The easiest yes of her life! I thought this until she said “I want to go to the concert but not with you.” I was CRUSHED. I was not myself the rest of the day. When I got home and cried my eyes out. I should have totally become a school shooter or whatever after that because it is hands down the meanest thing someone has ever said to me and I don’t think it’ll ever be topped. I didn’t even fucking like Christina, I was going to go to do something nice for this girl and she hated the thought of spending time with me more than seeing her favorite artist in person for free. Regardless, as they say in the business, the show goes on; I went to the concert with my mom, and there wasn’t an empty seat in the arena, except for the fucking 2 next to me. It is hands down the most traumatic part of my childhood. Fuck off Emily.

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Your Turn.

If you had a blog and were to rank every Christina Aguilera song that hit top 20 on the charts, what are your top 5?

Title	Year	Peak chart positions	Album
Genie in a Bottle	1999	1	Christina Aguilera
What a Girl Wants	1999	1	Christina Aguilera
I Turn to You	2000	3	Christina Aguilera
Come On Over Baby (All I Want Is You)	2000	1	Christina Aguilera
Lady Marmalade (with Lil’ Kim, Mýa and Pink)	2001	1	Moulin Rouge!
Beautiful	2002	2	Stripped
Fighter	2003	20	Stripped
Can’t Hold Us Down (ft. Lil Kim)	2003	12	Stripped
Ain’t No Other Man	2006	6	Back to Basics
Hurt	2006	19	Back to Basics
Candyman	2007	20	Back to Basics
Keeps Gettin’ Better	2008	7	Keeps Gettin’ Better: A Decade of Hits
Say Something (with A Great Big World)	2013	1	Is There Anybody O